Illness And Gothed Up Selfies

Today I want to address something that I've read a lot about in the past year, particularly, and thought a lot about; sharing pictures of yourself looking dolled up on selfies while in the same time talking (or complaining) about being ill or depressed or simply feeling like shit. 

It is so easy to go down the trail of thought that the person might be giving a skew picture of reality with illness (in most cases mental illness, I've noticed), because, just as I've mentioned before it is really hard to reconcile the picture of someone looking amazing and in the same time being very ill/depressed. 

To some, this dichotomy might scream attentionwhore, and perhaps in some cases this might be true. But in cases of depression or mental illness, especially in teenagers (my own observation), attention might mean a lot for ones lack of self-confidence, so bear that in mind before criticizing. And if you want to help, talk to them instead. Tell them that there's no need to post pictures of themselves with a caption stating how ugly they are, because, however corny it might sound, they are seen and they are beautiful just as they are. 

I've also heard it been argued that it can be very disturbing to others with health issues, who might feel even worse because they see these people in the same situation who still have the energy to go through the effort to do their hair and makeup and take selfies. I truly understand this, because I was once one of these people who got slightly annoyed when "insta-models" posted gorgeous pictures of themselves and in the same time would rave about how shitty their lives are and how depressed they are. 

When I got ill this thought was still inside my head and it really gnawed my edges and eventually corroded a previously glistening part of me - a part that I actually like with myself - into something dull and shameful. I felt that I wasn't allowed to feel beautiful, that I couldn't take selfies or talk about doing occasional fun things. Because when being ill, when your future as a functionally normal person suddenly has been snatched away from you, means that you should be depressed right? That you should be unhappy and look unhappy? (Especially if you expect people to believe you...) 

It was only recently that I realized that I am allowed to be happy. I'm allowed to look good and take selfies. That I don't have to make excuses or tell a detailed story about why I'm showing myself in full goth attire when I constantly talk about my illness. 

At the moment I'm so stubbornly determined to do my makeup despite having a really bad pain episode. It still doesn't mean that my illness isn't real, and I'm certainly not trying to put anyone else who lacks the energy down. Because we are all different, and I don't want to not be myself and share myself and my life because someone else can't do so. It might sound harsh, and of course I don't judge anybody and my heart goes out to everyone who has it worse than me, but I want to live my life just as anybody else does.

Before I got ill I worked as a makeup artist for years, and expressing myself through makeup and clothes has always been extremely important to me. For me, taking my time doing my makeup and hair (which takes at least double the time as before...) is one of the things making me feel alive and it's a way for me to tell my illness to go fuck itself; that I'm not going to let it ruin my life. So please, next time you see someone looking fab while they talk about their illness, please don't judge. Support. :)

Sincerely from the dark abyss, 

Tanja