Goth And Disabled Part 2: Goth-to-goth Interaction

++ I will be really clear in pointing this out; DO NOT PITY ME! This is not about boo hoo poor me but about how my life and identity have been affected of what happened to me. It's about understanding and inclusion. If you want a recap of what's "wrong" with me look at the very bottom of this post.++ 

I often think about how much easier death would be than living in this constant pain. Than living captured in a broken body, with dreams and plans and a future snuffed out as easily as a candle. Abandoned by hope.  

But while living is harder, to freely give up the only chance to it is a kind of cowardice that is completely out of my character. Courage is, in my book, one of the most important virtues one can possess, and in my case this means the courage to move on, to be happy, despite the heavy pile of rubble life has dumped on top of me. 

Despite the isolation and the desolate road that I have to walk alone. 

This is how I spend most of my days. No it is not cozy to be at home all of the time. It is not nice to not be able to work. It's like being imprisoned.

I do have better support than many; two committed doctors, a dedicated psychologist and supportive family and friends. 

And I do have something else that is extremely important to me. Something which defines the outlines and heart of my identity and my person in a way that not even my ever-present tormentors can impose upon; goth. 

I belong to the goth subculture (which, yes, is it's own culture not only a way of dressing), and the joy and powerful happiness it brings with it, is one thing that gives me the strength to keep going. 

And here's where we're going to start today's topic, which will be about being goth and disabled within the goth subculture. 

As I mentioned in Part 1, these are my own reflections and experiences. Being disabled or chronically ill (see difference in Part 1) is never a homogeneous thing; the same illness or disability can look different between two individuals. When it comes to most chronic illnesses it's often a spectrum as to how serious the illness is. So don't judge anybody from another person's story.

There are several struggles that come with being disabled within the goth subculture. Perhaps the hardest, is that you are so completely limited in participating in the physical community. I can imagine that there are those who are too ill to ever go out and be a part of it all, and my heart truly bleeds for you, not out of pity, but out of understanding the loneliness that you must feel. 

It's hard for me to describe the goth scene where I live, because I know it mostly from online interactions, both with people who are goth and who are "only" alternative. When it comes to music most events inclined towards the alternative scene plays either metal, which I truly, madly, deeply hate, or plip-plop (EBM, etc...) which I don't hate but most of it is too pop and non-dark for my tastes. 

And, mostly from when I have been out, there has been a huge inclination of topics revolving around the worship of certain internet "celebrities", rather than focusing the subculture in itself. I find this absolutely daunting and an attribute that I have always associated with the mainstream rather than subcultures. It all comes down to if you know a certain person, and your level of being accepted is determined due to how close your friendship with that person is. 

I don't think I've ever experienced this problem online or when being in smaller groups of alternative people. Whether it's people who have a hundred thousand or ten followers on Instagram, everyone is super-friendly in the virtual world. 

So to the issue where this is related to being disabled. When you are chronically ill you have to carefully plan for the distribution of your energy for every task, fun or not fun, that you put on your daily schedule. Different doings require different amounts of energy, and the drain afterwards is therefore of different magnitude. You can look up the Spoon Theory if you want an easy explanation to how this works.

The absolutely, most exhausting thing for me to do is to leave my apartment, and I rarely have the energy to even go to the grocery store, which is about five minutes a walk from where I live. The pain, the fatigue and the mental exhaustion afterwards is severe, to say the least. 

So imagine going to a club, with thousands of impressions from the surroundings, or even a social gathering of a larger magnitude. 

I think it might be time to explain where autism (which is NOT an illness) comes in. 

The brain of someone with Asperger's syndrome/autism works in a different way than the brains of neurotypical people (called NT's). When it comes to social interactions, an NT brain passively take in the information and the participation in conversations, reading body language and emotions is processed instinctively. In a person with autism, however, this information is processed actively, through the "logical part" of the brain. There is not anything instinctive about it, but rather a conscious process, which can be extremely tiresome. 

For me it can look something like: "This person is saying this, it is not meant to be interpreted literally, that word can mean different when that person says it, if I reply like this the person might misunderstand, I can't interpret that facial expression but regarding the situation it might mean this..." and so forth. 

Yeah, you get the point. And in a group it gets even worse, because you don't only have to keep up with the conversation someone has with you personally, but also the interaction between the other people. I think you can imagine how confusing this is. And add to that then, the background ruckus, the music and the unpredictable behaviour of high and drunk people in a club, which we autists take in unfiltered. 

This can lead to meltdowns where, for instance, the autistic person shuts themselves into their own minds, starts "acting weird" (for instance rocking back and forth, crying, screaming, mumbling something over and over) and it can lead to severe panic attacks and/or aggressive behaviour. 

Although attending such events will guarantee at least a week of complete bedrest for me, I sometimes think it's worth it, because I want to feel alive. I want to experience the full flair of the subculture that I belong to, and which is part of who I am. But, with the conditions of the gatherings of alternative people, I simply rather prioritize my health. Because, on occasions where I don't like the music and when I don't want to talk about the self-proclaimed goth royalty or be friends with them because you simply have to know them, I don't think a week+ of bedrest is worth it.

There are people in my town, and in other places both in Sweden and other countries, who I would absolutely LOVE to meet and cultivate a closer friendship with, but it's incredibly hard to do so when you don't attend the gatherings where you get to meet them in person. 

So my interactions with other goths, which I desperately crave like oxygen, and which I so much want to take to the next level are almost exclusively online. 

The first problem with that, is that there are so many people to choose from to talk to, that it's hard to see who's genuine in their interest in the subculture and who's just dressing goth because it's trendy right now, and it's harder to compete with people who have more interesting looks.

Because social media is a very visual platform, and whether we want it or not we are more attracted to eye candy, the more beautiful the better, and it's easy to put interaction in the second place.

I've always had a hard time making friends because I either am too quiet and shy or I come on too strong. My friendliness often gets misinterpreted and I often get to hear (from others than the person themselves) that I'm to blunt. Or that I'm sarcastic or trying to put them on the spot because I ask them about deeper stuff that I actually want to know more about. But my interest doesn't show when I lack eye contact and speak in a monotonous manner. This is also due to Asperger's syndrome. 

And some find me too weird (no I'm not saying this because it sounds edgy or attention-seeking, but because I really am one of those people who says things out of nowhere, totally irrelevant to what we were talking about) expecting you to know exactly what I'm talking about because of course you can read my mind) or that I'm simply not interesting enough, which is perfectly fine, but it gets tiresome to try and strike conversation with people who's not interested.

Typical for people with Asperger's syndrome is that we can't take a hint, so if you don't tell me that you find my attempts to befriend you annoying, I will not understand it.

And it's so hard to take the step from acquaintance to friend when the prospect of us meeting in real life can be challenging, and deeper discussions are so much harder to have in writing than in talking. And deeper discussions is in my opinion the foundation of friendship.

There's also a huge stigma around this millennial goth online exclusively community, which is something that makes me feel embarrassed and insufficient, as if I'm not really part of goth. Like I'm not really allowed to be because my lack of corporeal engagement is interpreted as lack of commitment.

So here the angst duplicates; not only am I not able to participate in something that I'm completely in love with, and in the same time being subjected to a certain judgement because of my partake in the subculture is limited to the virtual world. I can imagine this can be the case for goths in smaller towns as well, but I live in a fairly big city (for Sweden at least) and I'm still looking through the window at something that I wish for. Something I want to commit to and be part of creating.

When I do meet people in real life, it's usually one on one or in smaller groups, preferably in my own home, because after a social gathering of any kind, my batteries are dangerously close to 0% and getting home afterwards is a serious problem.

You will most likely not even notice that I'm sick, that I'm in pain and that I have trouble remembering what we are talking about. I understand that it can be difficult for you, a healthy person, to understand that I actually have a disabling illness. Because in your eyes I look perfectly healthy, except for my crutch but so can it really be that bad?

Gothed up but equally sick.

As we talked about in part one of Goth and Disabled, it is hard to reconcile the picture of a decked up goth with an ill or disabled person (especially if the illness/disability is invisible). How easy it is to think that it can't be so bad, that the person might be exaggerating or so forth. And goths are not immune to this way of thinking, although we are generally more open minded to other people's differences than normies.

"I dont exist when you don't see me", is a great song but it's not a quote that is applicable to invisible, chronic illnesses. They are always there. The person is suffering, at this very moment, even if they don't talk about their illness or even if they look just fine.

I can only speak for myself, but I'd much rather talk about your experiences music, makeup, diy projects, books or how to decorate your home like the Addams family mansion than about my shitty life and eternal pain, which will, inevitably butt into the conversation anyway.

But again, you will most likely not even notice until it's intensity forces me to tell you. And I'm absolutely terrified that you will judge me as rude or a ridiculous diva when I get so exhausted that I have to lie down in the middle of our afternoon tea. Or that you will judge me when I take my strong painkillers.

Mankoski's pain scale illustrates chronic pain. I'm at 6-7 every day and some days worse. 

One on one meetings with other goths is also a kind of contribution to keep the subculture alive, I suppose, but it's hard to even get to that stage when you are mostly homebound due to an unpredictable illness and are socially weird and incapable of knowing who is ok to invite over to your house and when it's appropriate to do so. Especially with guys in my case, because my friendliness might be taken for romantic or sexual interest.

And speaking of unpredictability... Cancelled plans is something else that chronically ill people are far too intimately acquainted with. And I almost dare say that we all are plagued by the excruciating shame for the disappointment we cause others to feel.

I imagine that this also has an impact on your participation in the subculture, because your circle of friends might be quite small and you will soon become notorious as the person who stands people up all of the time. And that is not a pleasant spot to be put in.

If you have a chronically ill person in your life, who constantly requires rain checks, please understand that this is not because of you! They still love you and you mean a lot to them, but their illness does not take birthdays or parties or dinners into consideration when it flares up. When this happens to me, what I most want to hear is that you understand, that we can see each other tomorrow or another day. Or that you can come over to my house and hang out with me there instead.

I often wonder what the person who is cancelled on is feeling, and what they would like me to say to show them that I still care about them. What are your thoughts on this? I'd love to hear them!

So the main points I wanted to make in this post is that physical participation in clubs, events etc can be challenging or impossible for goths with disabilities/chronic illnesses. A lot of us therefore try our best to participate through social media, and that can be a whole jungle to navigate, and sometimes stigmatized and cause a longing in us for something that we can't have. Taking the step from acquaintance to friend can be hard online as well, and perhaps even harder when it's more difficult to meet irl with a person who is so limited by their impairment.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, whether you're in the same situation or not, so please feel free to comment!

Part 3 will be about the representation, or lack thereof, and ableism within goth. :)

I hope you all have had a lovely holiday season and that you feel refreshed for the upcoming 2019. :)

A huge thanks to all of you who has taken your time to read, comment and share both this and the previous post! I'm humbled by the attention you have given me. 

So, until next time, take care!

Sincerely from the dark abyss,

Tanja




++My disabilities++

I hurt everywhere. Every day, all the time. My body feels as if it is full of bruises. Even light pressure hurts.  Some days are worse than other but the pain is ALWAYS there.

Yes that's possible.

I suffer from severe chronic fatigue which is, regardless popular belief, NOT the same as being tired from work or from a sleepless night. It's the kind of fatigue similar to when you have a bad flu. The kind where you can barely sit up most of the time. Sometimes for instance I can't wash my own hair, get up from a chair without help  or hold my phone for more than a few minutes at a time.

Due to Asperger's syndrome, which is a different.different way of functioning, that becomes a disability when the person is interacting with the world of neurotypical people (NT's).




                            

10 Great Goth Albums Of 2018

Since this is the last day of 2018 I thought I'd share with you some of my favorite goth music that came out this year. :) I've listened through a lot of albums, and an overwhelming amount of good ones, but the ones I've chosen here are the ones that has stuck out a little extra. So here they come, in no particular order! :)


Coming of Age, House of Harm

Immersion II, Mephisto Waltz

Chasm, The Awakening

Mournography, Her Despair

Fault line, October Burns Black

Nox Novacula, Nox Novacula

Reverse Resilience Date at midnight

Shadows, Twin Tribes

New Wave Of Fear, Horror Vacui

Tragedy of seconds gone, Wisborg

So those are some albums to check out! :) Do you have any favorites from 2018?


Thank you for this year and for all the love on my first goth and disabled post! :) Part 2 is scheduled to be posted on Wednesday so I hope I'll be able to do the last adjustments on it until then.


Happy new year everyone! May it be a great one for all of you!

Sincerely from the dark abyss,
Tanja

Christmas Eve Look

Happy holidays! Merry Christmas! Blessed Yule! 

Hope you're all having a lovely Holiday season, however and whenever you celebrate. 

Here is my look for Christmas eve, which I'll be celebrating with my parents and two of my brothers this year. 

Products used

Idun Nordic Veil foundation (Jorunn)

Sugarpill Love+, Bulletproof and Kiss Kiss eyeshadows

NYX Waterproof Epic ink liner

Eyelashes are two pairs from Red Cherry stacked.

I'm sorry I don't have the number of them because I don't have them in their original packaging.

Lips are Myth, Martian and Glow worm by Black moon cosmetics. 

Hope you like the look, and please let me know if you want to see more of these posts. :) 

Sincerely from the dark abyss,

Tanja

Illness And Gothed Up Selfies

Today I want to address something that I've read a lot about in the past year, particularly, and thought a lot about; sharing pictures of yourself looking dolled up on selfies while in the same time talking (or complaining) about being ill or depressed or simply feeling like shit. 

It is so easy to go down the trail of thought that the person might be giving a skew picture of reality with illness (in most cases mental illness, I've noticed), because, just as I've mentioned before it is really hard to reconcile the picture of someone looking amazing and in the same time being very ill/depressed. 

To some, this dichotomy might scream attentionwhore, and perhaps in some cases this might be true. But in cases of depression or mental illness, especially in teenagers (my own observation), attention might mean a lot for ones lack of self-confidence, so bear that in mind before criticizing. And if you want to help, talk to them instead. Tell them that there's no need to post pictures of themselves with a caption stating how ugly they are, because, however corny it might sound, they are seen and they are beautiful just as they are. 

I've also heard it been argued that it can be very disturbing to others with health issues, who might feel even worse because they see these people in the same situation who still have the energy to go through the effort to do their hair and makeup and take selfies. I truly understand this, because I was once one of these people who got slightly annoyed when "insta-models" posted gorgeous pictures of themselves and in the same time would rave about how shitty their lives are and how depressed they are. 

When I got ill this thought was still inside my head and it really gnawed my edges and eventually corroded a previously glistening part of me - a part that I actually like with myself - into something dull and shameful. I felt that I wasn't allowed to feel beautiful, that I couldn't take selfies or talk about doing occasional fun things. Because when being ill, when your future as a functionally normal person suddenly has been snatched away from you, means that you should be depressed right? That you should be unhappy and look unhappy? (Especially if you expect people to believe you...) 

It was only recently that I realized that I am allowed to be happy. I'm allowed to look good and take selfies. That I don't have to make excuses or tell a detailed story about why I'm showing myself in full goth attire when I constantly talk about my illness. 

At the moment I'm so stubbornly determined to do my makeup despite having a really bad pain episode. It still doesn't mean that my illness isn't real, and I'm certainly not trying to put anyone else who lacks the energy down. Because we are all different, and I don't want to not be myself and share myself and my life because someone else can't do so. It might sound harsh, and of course I don't judge anybody and my heart goes out to everyone who has it worse than me, but I want to live my life just as anybody else does.

Before I got ill I worked as a makeup artist for years, and expressing myself through makeup and clothes has always been extremely important to me. For me, taking my time doing my makeup and hair (which takes at least double the time as before...) is one of the things making me feel alive and it's a way for me to tell my illness to go fuck itself; that I'm not going to let it ruin my life. So please, next time you see someone looking fab while they talk about their illness, please don't judge. Support. :)

Sincerely from the dark abyss, 

Tanja

Goth And Disabled Part 1: Me And The Normies

++ I will be really clear in pointing this out; DO NOT PITY ME! This is not about boo hoo poor me but about how my life and identity have been affected of what happened to me. It's about understanding and inclusion. ++

This will be a loooong post, be warned. ;) 

So today I'm going to touch on the subject of being goth and disabled, since I know there are a lot of you out there who are curious about this. 

Please feel free to ask me questions about it! I'll gladly explain further and please don't be afraid that you will offend me or not being PC with certain words or stuff like that. :) 

Bear in mind that these are all my own reflections and experiences and that being disabled and/or chronically ill, whether it's mental or physical, is different for everybody, so it is important to understand that there is no set in stone template on how we work. And it is also important to understand that a disabled or functionally different person is just that - a person, not their illness or diagnosis. 

First, I'm going to try to explain the difference between a disability and chronic illness. 

Everyone, unless you're some kind of walking miracle, has been ill one time or another whether it be a flu, cold, chicken pox or whatever like that. Those illnesses can be tough, but they pass and you're back to normal health.

When an illness is chronic, it won't pass and in many cases it will be a lifelong, unwelcome companion. Some chronic illnesses are mild and some severe. Examples on chronic illnesses can be asthma, fibromyalgia, myalgic encephalomyelitis, endometriosis, epilepsy, diabetes, HIV, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and recurring depression. 

The chronic part seems to be very hard to understand for a lot of healthy people (including medical personnel). Hence, we who are suffering from chronic illness often get questions/comments like "When are you getting better?" or a reassuring "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be back to normal again soon." 

A rule of thumb; chronic means for the rest of your life. 

Some chronic illnesses are terminal, others are just a lifelong pain in the ass (sometimes literally). 

Disability is not necessarily caused by an illness, but is described by WHO as an umbrella term for a condition where the individual is restricted compared to others in society. So a disability can be for instance having lost a leg, hence having trouble walking. 

Or in my case, the disability is caused by chronic illness which prevents me from living a normal life due to severe pain and crippling fatigue (and other nastiness as well).

So how does this affect my involvement in the goth subculture? 

Being such a complex and diverse topic I will chop this up and disperse it over several blog posts. In this one we'll discuss the aspect of how you as a disabled goth differ from the norm in several ways, which can be problematic in certain situations.

So these are the points I'd like to bring up overall in my posts about being goth and disabled: 

• How we're met by functionally abled normies and doctors. 

• How we are met by others in the goth community and the impact disability has on functioning within the goth community. 

• Problems with practical things when it comes to alternative looks and lifestyle. Tips that might be useful! 

• Representation within the goth community.

This post will be addressing the first point; how we as disabled goths are met by functionally abled normies.

+++

First of all;

What's "wrong" with me? 

I have been bestowed upon several chronic illnesses (fibromyalgia, ME) and chronic mental health problems (anxiety, manic depression, panic attacks). 

I also have a diagnosis within the autism spectrum (Asperger's syndrome).

Important though, is to understand that Asperger's syndrome/autism is NOT an illness. It's a function variation (and in certain cases a disability). A great but very simplified explanation is that autism is another way that the brain is "wired". Despite the problems that it causes in for instance social interaction and everyday life, it is a part of my personality that I wouldn't ever get rid of even if I could because there are some fantastic things about it as well. 

What do these illnesses do to me? 

First of all, I'm in constant pain in every part of my body equipped with nerves. Everywhere, all the time. And yes it's possible so don't even go there.

This isn't what my body looks like but what it feels like. This representation isn't true for everyone with fibromyalgia, but for me it's spot on.

Then there's the fatigue due to an everlasting brain and spinal cord inflammation. It's not as easy as that we ME patients simply get "tired" in the way one might feel after a sleepless night or a tough day at work. No, this fatigue is the kind you have when you have a bad flu with high fever. And speaking of fever, I've had a fever almost every day since I got ill three years ago. This is not unusual for patients with ME, and it has a tremendous impact on one's body, and I'm bound to my bed or couch about 85% of the day. 

Both the fatigue and pain makes it difficult for me to walk and stand up, and even sit up, so I usually walk with a crutch and sometimes use a wheelchair. 

"Brainfog" is a term that most fibro and ME patients are intimately acquainted with. That is basically a state where you get disoriented, have issues with your memory and problems to concentrate. Your mind feels foggy and unfocused. 

Those are the main things that have made my chronic illnesses into disabilities.

+++

And now, let's dive into the actual topic.

How we're met by functionally abled normies*

When it comes to goths we are usually easy to spot among the basic normie population. That's one feature that makes us unique and that is part of our subculture. Of how we express ourselves as individuals. 

An eccentric, norm-breaking sense of fashion and self-expression is more often than not very important to us, and it is exhilarating going out looking exactly how you want to look, not giving a flying fuck that "normal" people aren't supposed to go grocery shopping in Victorian mourning wear topped off with a shiny PVC corset. 

We all have to endure the stares and comments and whispers, which seem to be the inevitable prize to pay for being who we are and want to be. 

I love looking like the spooky ghoul I am, my hair fluffed into a deathhawk, eyes lined in fierce black, peeking at people through creepy contact lenses. Until very recently the stares and whispers had stopped bothering me a long time ago and I could laugh at all weird comments. 

Then came the time when I became ill, eventually got a crutch and sometimes have to use a wheelchair. And I suddenly started to feel vulnerable to people's stares and the way their judging eyes sweep over me whenever I leave the house.

When it comes to invisible illnesses/disabilities people are always suspicious, because you don't fit the mold for how you're supposed to look when you're ill/disabled. Therefore you might be faking it to get attention. And when you're goth and certainly don't fit any of their narrow-minded, etched in stone way of being, then you're definitely just an attention-seeker. 

If you use a walking aid or sit in a wheelchair you get even more stares. I don't think that, in general, the person who's staring means to be rude. They just have no idea what to make of the sight of you. Still, this thought doesn't make much to make me feel less uncomfortable under their scrutiny. Knowing that they have no unkind intentions doesn't make me feel less vulnerable or less demeaned as a human being.

For me, being in a wheelchair, although it's a huge relief, is the most exposed situation I've ever been in. And in a situation like that, it's so easy to think that if you don't dress so differently, if you don't wear your hair in a mohawk or dye it pink, or or if you don't wear that studded collar people won't stare so much. They won't be as likely to even notice you. It's so tempting to just compromise your identity to avoid that uncomfortable situation. 

Then there's the weirdest part about it all, that I feel a kind of social anxiety-based shame that is so hard to talk about, and even harder to explain. It's as if I feel a need to apologize for dressing and looking goth while being ill and disabled. As if I need to apologize for their inability to reconcile my appearance with the fact that I'm disabled. 

And that is just fucked up beyond belief.

You can't change the behavior of every person who makes you uncomfortable by staring or whispering to their friends to look at you. That would be exhausting and take too much of the time that you could spend have fun and be happy to be outside of your house for once. So my best tip is: ignore them. 

Then there's the assholes that you just can't ignore. The worst shitbags who think they're entitled to treat you how the hell they please, since, in their opinion, you are inferior because 

1. You are handicapped and therefore worthless in their eyes. 

2. You have only yourself to blame for being harassed when you "go out like that". 

When I was healthy I had no problem confronting them. In a vulnerable state however that's a harder thing to do, because you always have to take into consideration that they may get aggressive, and that it might be harder to defend yourself whether it's verbally or physically (can someone please equip my crutch with a taser?). 

If there are other people around though, being disabled might work to your advantage, because if you're in a wheelchair or have a walking aid people are more likely to come to your defense. This is of course harder if you're invisibly disabled, but don't be afraid to ask for help. 

If you're invisibly ill there's another problem as well being in public places, and that is that the normies won't understand that you're ill, even if you're shaking or have trouble walking.

To them there can only be one explanation to such behavior from a person with multiple facial piercings, weird makeup and a museum's worth of tattoos painted on their bodies: you must be a junkie.

To me, who has never touched a drug (except for medication of course), that is even more offensive than stares or rude comments. 

How we're met by doctors 

At the doctor's office the junkie problem is even more tangible, especially if you need pain relief or stronger anti-anxiety meds. Even normies who are chronically ill have problems with getting prescription opioids and imagine then if you're visibly deviant from the norm. I don't dare to wear my usual makeup, do my hair or wear my usual clothes when visiting a doctor that I'm not already acquainted with. 

I'm already behaving quite socially "weird" due to having Asperger's syndrome. For instance I have a problem with eye contact, and everybody knows people who don't make eye contact are lying, right?

And being both visually and behaviorally weird induces suspicion times two. 

This might not seem as such a big deal, it's only for a short span of time after all, but that's not the point. Why should you have to pretend to be someone else in order to get the medical aid that you need and that you pay for? 

These are as I said my experiences and I'd love to hear yours as well. Please leave a comment if you have any questions or anything to add! :) 

Until next time! 

Sincerely from the dark abyss,

Tanja

*I use the word "normie" to describe a person who isn't part of a subculture. I find it more endearing than the word mainstream. 

Music Monday: October Burns Black

Another recent discovery of mine, within the gothic rock genre (this might come as a shock to you but this is indeed my favorite genre), is October Burns Black. 

Debuting with the EP Fault line this year, they've kicked off something that will have me hang on to them like a backpack from now on.

To cut it short; Fault line is simply brilliant. 

Timeless and dark as a moonless night, the music bears that classic goth sound that catches my heart again and again. My imagination conjures up beautiful creatures of the night dancing to this and I desperately want to join them. 

Throughout the whole album both the lyrics and the music are so well written that there's no doubt these musicians know exactly what they're doing. And reading about them on their website confirms that these indeed are some experienced blokes.

Shimmer is my favorite track with inspiring lyrics vowen between dark tunes by Ger Egan's effortlessly voice, that is just perfectly tailored for this kind of music. 

I want to hear more! 

You can listen to October Burns Black on Spotify or support them on Bandcamp. 

Give them a listen and tell me your thoughts! :)

Sincerely from the dark abyss,

Tanja

The Cure Into The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame

After yesterday's disappointment with Bauhaus legend Peter Murphy it's time for some amazing news within the goth community;

The Cure has been chosen to be inducted to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The official ceremony is to be held in April 2019.

Well deserved! :) We're so proud of you Robert! <3

Sorry for making this such a short notice, but I'm in a LOT of pain today and the brainfog is densening.

Still writing on the post about disability with the goth community, which, with a little luck, will be out next week.

Hope you'll all have a great weekend!

Sincerely from the dark abyss,
Tanja



Source

The Guardian

Peter Murphy Goes Berserk In Stockholm

During Bauhaus 40 years anniversary tour, the concert in Stockholm was cut short due to Peter Murphy's aggressive behaviour towards the audience.

What happened was that the singer got seriously pissed at people standing in the bar, since he thought it was respectless. So he started to throw bottles at the audience and at stage equipment, destroying a mixer table. A fan (former fan now I suspect...) was hit in the face by one of the bottles and had to be taken to a hospital.

When Murphy started to become yell at and threaten personnel as well as visitors he was thrown out from his own concert *awkward*.

In a clip published on the website of the Swedish newspaper Aftonbladet you can see him behaving aggressively towards guards, yelling obscenities and hitting a person in the face. After that he is wrestled to the ground *double awkward*.


I was sad as hell that I was going to miss this gig, but now I'm glad that I didn't get to see one of my (former) favorite musicians go into full on asshole mode in real life.

I hope the rest of you who saw this show in other countries had a better experience than my fellow Swedes!


Sincerely from the dark abyss,
Tanja

Sources:

Aftonbladet (Swedish)

Gaffa (Swedish)

Spur Of The Moment Nose Piercings

I've been nagging on about getting my nostrils pierced for over a year now, gluing on rhinestones which has brought back memories from the early 90's when I had those ear stickers in different colors and shapes. But today was the day that marks the stop of rhinestone gluing (although not the childhood reminiscing).

"I might wish one of those nostril piercings for Christmas," I told my husband yesterday night.

"Sure," he replied. "Think about it and we can see if they have drop in tomorrow."

We had decided to go out for a lunch date (Pizza Hut, so romantic...) and the piercing studio is located just a few hundred meters away from there.

Bye bye naked nose!

And I thought about it (for at least two minutes) and there happened to be a free spot right after the lunch date! I don't believe in fate but metaphorically I would definitely say that this event was written in the stars.

Luckily I'm not at all scared of needles or pain or anything like that (I administer vitamin B12 injections on myself twice a week) so I wasn't even a little nervous.

So I went in to get a fourth hole poked in my nose. Little did I know that I would come out with a fifth as well.

But I did and I've been really, really happy about it! :D

You know when you look in the mirror and see something that is just supposed to be there? That is exactly how I've felt after every piercing and tattoo I've had. And these ones are no different.

The piercer was awesome and she managed to get the two little silver blobs to look straight even on my crooked nose.

Aaaand this is the result! (Yes, it hurt. But 

not one single tear!)

So that's what I've been up to. Now I'm going to have to rest in bed for a few days because that's how it is to be me, and it sucks.

Well, well... I hope you're all having a good time and are not too stressed out by the upcoming holidays.

Until next time!

Sincerely from the dark abyss,

Tanja

Music Monday: Her Despair

As many times before LigeiaResurrected has introduced a new band to me through her YouTube channel. :)

Her Despair is a contemporary goth rock band who released their latest EP, Mournography, this year, and I'm really glad that I stumbled upon them. 

I think the title of the album as well as the cover is well crafted and perfectly illustrates the content; dark, melancholic and artfully pleasing. I would love to frame it and put it on my wall. 

The lyrics are a gothic mix of yearning romance, blasphemous lust and ominous religious elements of despair and doubt. Prayers unanswered and a mournful anger that they might never will be. 

The words are straightforward without any particular embellishment, which I think is great and it goes really well with the catchy music. 

J's voice is ragged yet steady in that typical goth montotony, with a slight edge of haunting vibrato that cuts through the tunes. It's a voice heavy with the emotions of the words he sings, and it's very honest.

Frankly, I can't choose a track that I like most on this album, because, to me, they mingle together into kind of a gothic novel with all the classical elements and a consistent theme throughout all the songs. 

If you haven't already you should go give them a listen, and you can also support them by following them on Instagram under the name @herdespair .
Let me know what you think of them! :)

If you have any goth band recommendations please let me know in the comments below! :) 

That's all for now! 

Sincerely from the dark abyss, 

Tanja

Faux Fur Friday And Weekend Update

Today, the first day in December is Faux Fur Friday, the day where we bring extra attention to the cruel fur industry. Note also that false eyelashes are a many times made of mink hair, which is never ever obtained in an animal friendly manner.

Do I bring this up because I'm one of those militant vegans that makes you want to take a huge bite of a cheese burger just because they're so rude? (See disclaimer below)

No, I'm not. And I absolutely detest PETA (look into stories from former employees of theirs). But I love animals of all kinds and I've been a vegetarian for soon twenty years. I've never bought genuine fur, and never will, because honestly the faux fur today is way better quality anyway.

Besides, it's unimaginable to let your own fur baby live in horror and meet a cruel, slow end by carbon dioxide asphyxiation.

So please make sure the fur on you clothes and accessories is fake!

My little darling Ester. Do you have a fur baby? :) 

This is one of few faux fur accessories I own, and the pic is ooooold.

When it comes to future posts I'm currently writing a piece on what it's like being disabled within the goth community. It will be a story about being a damsel trapped in a tower, looking out and longing to join the wonders outside. About how it is to have a strong will, a strong personality that one wants to express and how that is held back due to illness and disability.

I hope you will find this interesting to read! :)

I also have plans on some post about fashion and diy, which I've been planning since I started this blog. Unfortunately, my energy reservoirs have been depleted due to some very demanding issues, and I've spent the days past Monday completely barefaced with my hair in a mess.

Well, with that said, I hope you all have a great, reatful weekend and get to do something that is meaningful to you. :)

Sincerely from the dark abyss,
Tanja


++DISCLAIMER: I think it's awesome to be vegan and I was for several years myself, and would still be if it were not for my health issues. I'm talking about those who push their opinions on people by force and violence, which honestly makes more harm than good.++

The History Of Me

I thought since some of you might don't know me from other social media I'll introduce myself a little better. :) Quite text-loaded, this post will be a plunge into my past and how I ended up being the person I am today; good and bad aspects alike. 

My name is Tanja, but I'm pretty sure you've guessed that already. You can find me on Instagram under the name @ tanjagoodwine. 

I'll put some pictures in between the text, just so you'll get some visual idea of me as well. 

++ NOTE: I understand that the pics are off since the story is quite heavy and I don't look sick, but I really didn't want to put you through such a heavy story without some pictures, so please don't judge that I'm all made up although I'm telling you that I feel shit. ++

A lot of people don't like labels, but I do and I call myself a goth because it's a huge part of who I am, and plays a big part of my every day life. I'm doing what I can to establish the thought of goth as a culture and not a not a way of dressing in the minds of normies both online and in the physical reality. 

My background has its roots in the academic world of science, with years and years of studies in biology, biotechnology, chemistry, medicine, physics and several other related subjects in the suitcase of my past.

I was opting for a career within the pharmaceutical research branch, and wanted to work with alternatives to animal testing on drugs and cosmetics. 

A few years into uni I had my normie phase, where I was desperate to fit in, hoping that i could by some magical wave of a wand become the adult I was expected to be, and not the socially inadept weirdo that I've always been. 

A confused me in my early twenties.

It was my worst identity crisis ever and I was absolutely miserable. (I did meet my best friends there though, and guess what? They have stood by me as I slowly re-transformed into myself again.)

This identity crisis made my mental issues that I've had since the years before my teens worse, and I began to question my identity and my worth to express my persona outwards. Somewhere along the way I discovered my true character within the goth subculture I found that I was on a path in life that didn't fit into the person I was. Drifting off during the lectures at uni, I found myself doodling eyes with creative makeup looks in my notebooks instead of taking notes. 

And then, one day - literally over night - I found a new calling; I wanted to become a makeup artist. 

Babybat.

So I started to watch YouTube makeup tutorials. This was way back in the day before they became as popular as they are today, and it was a lot harder to get information, but my soul was burning for the world that had opened before me.

A look I did loooong ago.

Purple hair me.

And I practiced and practiced, starting to publish pictures of my creative achievements, getting feedback and encouragement to continue, even from people that who I didn't even know. It was thrilling and exciting, and it felt that I was traveling up the lane leading to where I was supposed to go. My passion was a everlasting well and I yearned to grasp any knowledge and advancement, spending hours a day learning everything about techniques, eye shapes, skincare etc. 

I worked with photographers and models and eventually I got a job at MAC, which was my dream job back then. My ambitions were sky-high, and half a year later I became manager for my own MAC counter, which was one of about seven in my country back then. I loved my job and I worked hard and worked a lot. Looking back now I can see that my work load was inhuman. 

And it took its toll on me, although I didn't know why until years later. 

What happened then is something that has changed my life forever. 

I became mysteriously ill, which was most likely due to the high pressure at work combined with my mental unhealth.

It started with severe stomach aches, but I persisted, letting my doctors run test after test, convinced that they would find out what was wrong with me and be able to help me. Immersing myself in work I tried to simply ignore the illness although and pushed away the nagging feeling that something was seriously wrong. I had to take out more and more days of sick leave which put a deepening crack in my career. 

Me at work.

In September 2015 I had a well deserved vacation and went to London with my husband (who was then my fiance). Unfortunately I got a really bad flu there and missed several days of the time there which bummed the hell out of me. 

A few days after we got home the flu disappeared but the symptoms did not. You know that exhausted feeling when you awake in the morning and think "Fuck, I've got a flu"? I had started to feel like that every day, and started to get fever everyday - and I still do. 

Every innervated part of my body hurt and the fatigue was crippling. So I went to the doctor and they found I had a strep infection and put me on antibiotics. But the symptoms still remained, so eventually I was sent to specialist in the throat/ears/sinus area. 

He poked and prodded and then told me something that I wasn't at all prepared for. 

"This is not an infection. You most likely have fibromyalgia," he said, and I was sent to another specialist to confirm. 

It took nine month to get an appointment there, and I only got worse. And indeed, when I saw the doctor on that clinic they did confirm the fibromyalgia, but they also found that I had something far worse; ME. 

ME stands for Myalgic Encephalomyelitis and is basically explained as an inflammation in the central nervous system (brain and spinal cord). Both fibromyalgia and ME are chronic and incurable, which means that I will have them for the rest of my life. 

++ NOTE: Please don't give me advice on how to cure this, because there is no cure no matter how much I would want to, and I've tried almost everything already. I know people intend to be kind, and I do appreciate the support, but I've been through that a lot and it's tiresome when people I don't even know believe that they have a miracle cure that my doctor, a professor within these illnesses, can't help me. ++

Of course I was devastated, and it was so hard to understand, and even harder to accept that my career was over. That I wasn't even thirty and destined to be disabled. It was three years ago now that I fell ill and I wish I could say that I've grown used to it, but I don't think I ever will. 

A positive, completely unexpected turn of events has actually come out of this illness though, and that is a discovery that psychologists and psychiatrists and an endless row of doctors who have crossed my path during my whole life have missed - I have Asperger's syndrome. But that story is a whole subject in its own so that will have to wait for another time. :)

So, today I'm bed- and homebound for about 85% of my time. What's struck me the most throughout this regression of health is that there are so many things we take for granted in our everyday lives. Things we don't give a second thought until they're suddenly lost to us. Shame is still heavy on my shoulders when I have to ask for help with basic tasks, but honestly, in the end I feel that this eye-opening experience is a positive thing. Of course I'm frustrated and bitter to not be able to do something as uncomplicated as cutting my own toenails, but missing these little things makes me appreciate what I do have more.

Me a couple of weeks ago. Here we go soccer-mum hairstyle...

Although I've mourned my body ever since this started, and been bitter about how unfair life can be, I've never pitied myself and I do not want the pity of others - just understanding.

Accepting that a fundamental chunk of my life, my future, has been swallowed in one brutal shark-attack has been hard, but I'm finally there and I no longer wallow in a past that I can't possibly change. 

The future is still all I have and I'm not going to be wasted and constantly depressed about the obstacles that has been dropped in front of me. :)

Me a couple of days ago. :) 

So that is basically my story, my background, in short terms. Please feel free ask me if there's anything you'd like to know. I'm very open about my illnesses and my life in general and I love to spread information about them, since they're unusual enough for people to never have heard about them. And even more so I'd love to interact with you guys! :)

If you've bothered to read this far, I thank you from the bottom of my heart! 

I'm wishing you a lovely day and hope you are doing great! 

Sincerely from the dark abyss,

Tanja